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Is it 13 or 14 years ago today? I could look it up but maybe it is good that details finally start fading away and are taking a back seat.
Of course this was supposed to happen at some point, but I didn’t think that it would happen to me so early.
We just had a long conversation the other day. About all and nothing and how we would finally meet up for Christmas.
Life had gotten in the way so often. On her side and on mine. And on an impulse I told her how proud I was, that she had gotten herself out of a dark spot in her life and that she seemed to have figured out how happiness looks for her. I also told her how much I loved her.
And then today – more then a decade ago I got the phone call that changed my life.
I do belief a lot of decisions I made after that phone call can be linked directly to it. The lesson I learned is something we all know but so rarely can act on it. Don’t wait with the good stuff to the right moment. Now is the right moment! And always tell your loved ones that you love them. It sounds cliche and maybe a bit macabre, but as i and so many others have learned, it could be the last time.
I used to be afraid to travel on my own, not spend to much money on myself – “you have to think ahead for when you are old” and in general hesitated when i had opportunities where I could not entirely play out what that would mean for the future. I am still hesitant and plan a future, but I am also way more firmly in the “seize the day” camp then I was back then.
I keep thinking: What would I do, when the next 4 years would be my last. What dreams did she have that she didn’t accomplish because she didn’t know it would end with 45. How can you live life without too much regrets?
I don’t say I have all the answers. For me, I keep dreaming and take it one dream at a time. I keep an eye on the horizon, but make the best of here and know with what I have. I am kind to all around me an, try to be a good friend and partner and hope that I am not collecting to many regrets along the way. Still, if today was my last day, i probably would have spend it without scrubbing the cat toilets, but then IF today was my last day, I can honestly say I had a good run and very few regrets.
I hope my Mom thought the same about her life. Today I remember her as every year, with love and fondness and light a candle in her memory.