I have trouble with that. Partially because people think I should go out and be around people. I try and follow their advice, but I just can’t show emotions then. Not amongst strangers. Not even well-meaning ones.
It also feels so surreal that she is gone. Some days I just forget. I want to send a postcard-like I always do or call to check on her and then it hits me again. She is gone. But I cannot let it affect me because I need to work or study or …. whatever else the modern grown-up human has to do that seems so damned important just then.
Having the funeral 3 weeks after her death makes it difficult as well. Funerals are for the living. It’s a ritual to find closure and having to wait so long for that closure doesn’t make matters easier. Now that the date comes near, I feel vulnerable again and lonely and everything but strong. I react strangely and I am sensitive and even though I know people think I should have moved on by now, I seem to only have postponed my grief to now, the few days before the funeral.
Because now it becomes real. Now there is a place where her remains come to rest. Now I have to look into my family’s eyes and read there the same loss I have pushed away for the past weeks. Now it becomes real and now I am vulnerable.
It makes me think of hermit crabs and how easy life must be when all you have in it is the things you can carry. No friends, no family, and no-one that could hurt you by leaving. It sounds appealing until I get a WhatsApp from a friend, asking me if I can hear the sea today and how I feel or until my boyfriend runs around in the living room playing catch with the cats and gives me the most radiant smile.
Hiding from pain is obviously not the right thing to do. Neither is forcing myself into situations I don’t feel ready for. I guess I still have to grieve a bit longer and then shed my shell.
Let’s have a drink then, shall we?