I have quit my job today. I have my plane ticket. I have lots of things I want to do, visit taste and photograph. I am realizing more and more, that I have been offered the fulfilling of one of my long standing dreams. It is really going to happen.
Today I also got a visitor. First very quiet in my head. Hanging around ever since I started considering the proposal. He poked out his head or I did see his tail disappear with every tiny little detail, that added to the awesomeness of my dreams fulfillment.
And I feel him staring at me now, slowly creeping up as i tie the last knots and put everything in place. So I decided to confront him, before he is choking me:
” Hello Fear, my old friend. “ I greet him cheerily. “What are you doing here. “
” I have come to warn you! ”
” Warn me? What for? Life couldn’t be much better at this point of time. My dreams are coming to life one by one. “
” Weeeell, that might be how it looks like to you right now” he hisses in his snake like voice. ” But think what all could go wrong and what you have to give up to make these dreams happen”
” Well yes, I have to make some sacrifices to make it work. But dreams never come true easily. It’s certainly worth some uncertainties and I am more than ready. Its the right time. Besides, I cant imagine what should go wrong. “ My voice still doesn’t waver, but I get a strange feeling around my heart.
And with that silky ice cold voice he purrs “Because these things never happen to you. Something is going to go wrong and you will end up torn apart inside and lonely and lost out there in the rain. I’m just trying to protect you.”
“Right! But what would you have me do instead. Stay? Forever wonder about how it is to be out there?” I’m tempted to belief his now soothing voice. He feels like an old friend that has come home. I know him so well.
“Oh my dear, just think of all the things that can go wrong. Wouldn’t you rather be safe? Wouldn’t you rather just live with the certainty that nothing goes right and you can saver your dreams. Safety lies with what you know. As bad as it sometimes seems, you are better of leaving dreams for dreams and continuing on with the struggle. You are a fighter and that’s what you have done all your life. Things don’t just get handed to you. Besides I don’t think you are good enough for the opportunity.”
” You really think so?! … ” I inquire and he nods solemnly.
I start doubting myself, my decisions and Fear puts his arm around my shoulder. I start crying. Yes, he might be right. I might be not good enough and you rarely get opportunities given freely, but something just does’nt ring right.
How does one get an opportunity of a life time?!…. working hard, making an impression on people and jumping with your feet first as soon as you recognize one.. I did all besides the last and I was just about to as fear showed the face only a mother might love… ” I think your wrong.” I mutter quietly and still half in thoughts “I am good enough, survived long enough, I worked hard enough and I am creative enough to make it work”
Fear is puffing himself up and his grip gets harder. I can feel the ice to my bones. “But what if you can’t do it? What if you have been fooling yourself and you really can’t deliver or survive over there? What are you doing than? What if the grass just appeared to be greener over there? You will loose everything and people won’t like you. They will drop you like a hot potato.“
I give it another long and hardy thought, close my eyes and listen to my pounding heart.
Than I slowly remove Fears grasp on me.
” My dear friend. You have protected me and served me well over the years, but sometimes you have been holding me back too. I am grateful for your visits – even saving my life on some occasions – but with this Dream-business I think you are holding me back and I don’t need your advice in this matter anymore. Thank you.
I might be not good enough, but I need to know. It might be not green over ther, but I need to know. People might stop liking me, but than there was something broken in the first place and I need to know.I have been working hard all my life and thsi oportunetie migh just be my payback for being hard working, true, loyal and faithfull all my life and I need to give that a chance. If it all goes down in flames and if you are right that I am a fighter and don’t know any better, I will be fine anyway. …
Fear looks at me, smiles his used car salesman’s smile and hisses ” There is still time yet and I will not leave you alone, you know…. “ and for today he disappears in the dark corner of my soul.
Yes, I know! He will be back. But for now I am looking at the sunset and am excited.
59 days, 12 hours and 45 minutes till I am flying a bit closer to my dreams fulfillment.
Oh yes I know he will be back many times till than, but I’m sure I’ll have the same answer for him every single time:
” You can come back as often as you like, my friend. I am going on an adventure!”